Looking through the glass...

It seems like I'm always on the outside looking through the glass...
Looking in at "normal" people, living happy lives not for one minute
Questioning their sanity....they seem so happy...living exciting lives...
Their journey is one where the wires are in the right places..not twisted
Like the ones in my head..
You know funnily I'm sometimes glad I'm not normal..normal seems so....
Boring...routine...planned..
For me spontaneity makes life more enjoyable...make live more pleasurable..
Sometimes the glass becomes foggy due to my leaning too closely to peer
Closer into the lives of these "normal" people...
I do indeed get along with the voices inside my head...I speak with them..
They've become my compass in the dangerous minefield that is this world...
I sometimes reach out my hand and touch the glass as though trying
To touch the people behind the glass...
They are unattainable... Always so close yet so far...
I guess my place is on this side....

When will I..??

When will I work up the courage to do what needs to be done??
I've procrastinated long enough,..I need to just get it over and done with
For me life is not pleasant...I'm not talking about financially...but emotionally I'm a wreck....I'm the great pretender...I laugh and pretend each day that I'm doing ok..
but it only make believe...I'm falling down into the abyss more often and it's
getting harder to dig my way out.... I beg Jehovah to end it but He's not listening
to me......

Love....How I Do....

For me it's a real feeling..one that more often than not brings pain and joy mixed together... I have only truly loved one person but have had many a pseudo-loves
that have shown me that only the genuine matters....I have a love of learning new things and of animals especially cats ...small and large...as I write my cat Ash sits on my lap...I'm sure what she displays for me is genuine love...pity she weren't the one I'm in love with as this act(her lying in my lap) would bring me even more pleasure than I'm now feeling....don't get me wrong I do love her but she's not human and  I the feel of another human in the middle of the night would be more welcome at this time...
My days are sometimes dark..depending on my mood, however I'm striving more
everyday to think positive thoughts..sometimes it works at other times it's a real struggle...
I am however a hopeless romantic and I believe that one day I'll have my happiness..
if not happily ever after...

Is there anything worse???

Is there anything worse than dying from a broken heart??... I would rather have my hair ripped from my head...my nails torn from my fingers or my skin peeled from my bones than the pain I'm now feeling.... There exist persons in this world whose sole purpose is to make others unhappy...persons who  don't and can't understand the concept of unconditional love.... To them to love is weak and those who feel it are to be scorned and pitied.... The real pity is that these ones have no heart....they are shells walking around devoid of human emotions.....they live in a dark place that's impenetrable by even the brightest of light.... To them love is an unwanted burden....something despised....there are only clouds on their horizon.... The hopeless romantics like myself always look forward to seeing the object of our affection....but sometimes that object lack even the basics of human emotions....
Love is a wonderful sensation that lifts the spirit of even the most wretched human ...to experience it whether for or from another makes living an exciting experience.... There are birds singing that you never heard before...suddenly the sunshine seem brighter and no amount of rain can bring on the blues....that's the power of love....
Love is the reason humans exist....why we're still here....whether of self or for another... I will never allow anyone to kill my heart....I will  survive... And love??
I'll never stop believing..... It's what makes us the higher life form on the planet...

I am who I am....

Is it so hard for you to accept me as I am.???
Why must you try to change me to fit into your so called perfect picture
Maybe if you looked into the mirror
You'd see the one who needs to change
I am human....100% human
What you see is what you get
There's nothing fake about me
Not my hair
Not my nails
Not my boobs
Nothing......
Unlike you I was cursed with a heart
Not a plastic imitation
A real heart.....
One that beats...
And more importantly
One that loves... It's you that needs to change not me...

Love is a fleeting illusion

I've loved only one man in my entire life.....the second I laid eyes on him I was bitten by the love bug .....reflecting on my life I can seriously say I never really loved the man I married....I thought I did, but my love really belonged to this other person, who never showed the affection I expected...... I can't resist him....just the sound of his voice is enough to set my heart racing.....I tried to keep to my vows...I had committed myself, but wasn't in love to him.....he thought I had been unfaithful,but that didn't begin until after he began showing his true nature....The man I married was hiding a terrible secret....he is a woman beater...my friendship with the love of my life was the trigger that set the man I married off...he began trying to find reasons to hit me.....that's when I decided that since he gave me the name of adulteress I might as well play the role..... The man I married tried to break my spirit....tried to belittle me in every way......For a while my sanity was at stake....I fell ill twice and was hospitalized and he never once came to visit me.....not only was he abusive physically but verbally as well..... Then he had women by the " trailer load" some of whom would verbally abuse me on the phone.... I'm glad now that he's out of my life.....yet just like Whitney said. "Why does it hurt so bad?" Will I ever find true love .....will the man I'm in love with ever step up to the plate?  What I do know is that my ex husband is going to get his come uppance one day,... I pray I'm alive to hear about it.....all his expressions of love were just that expressions... There are men out there like my ex husband who know that there are lonely women out there and they prey on us to make themselves feel better.... Sometimes I really do hate men...sometimes.....but I'm a hopeless romantic so I'm still hoping to experience true love one day....

How do I explain!??

How do I explain what's going on in my mind?? I sometimes wonder why my mother hadn't killed me before I was born....Sometimes when I look at my children I rejoice in their existence...and then comes the thought that they're better off with me out of their lives... I sometimes wonder what my grandchildren will look like and I ache to actually see them...but with my mental turmoil I doubt they'll be proud to call me grandma... There are times I wish I could find true love...someone who accepts me as I am as I would accept that person, but I'm beginning to think that I'll never find that....nobody wants someone like me.....today is a day that I feel like going away...far away where I couldn't be found...Sometimes I hate myself so much that I want to run away from myself...Were it possible I most surely would....I love my cats.....they seem to know when I'm down in the abyss... I live to be welcomed by death...