How do I explain what's going on in my mind?? I sometimes wonder why my mother hadn't killed me before I was born....Sometimes when I look at my children I rejoice in their existence...and then comes the thought that they're better off with me out of their lives... I sometimes wonder what my grandchildren will look like and I ache to actually see them...but with my mental turmoil I doubt they'll be proud to call me grandma... There are times I wish I could find true love...someone who accepts me as I am as I would accept that person, but I'm beginning to think that I'll never find that....nobody wants someone like me.....today is a day that I feel like going away...far away where I couldn't be found...Sometimes I hate myself so much that I want to run away from myself...Were it possible I most surely would....I love my cats.....they seem to know when I'm down in the abyss... I live to be welcomed by death...
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